


Presidential Alert: The Bats Are Cuddling

by HelixDoubleHelix



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Fluff, Gen, Sharing a Bed, Sibling Bonding, steph is my favorite and It Shows, this is lowkey dumb but i had fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelixDoubleHelix/pseuds/HelixDoubleHelix
Summary: "Okay," says Dick, trying not to laugh, "So clearly no one is willing to sleep on the floor. We'll just double up, then. Or…” He does a quick headcount. “Septuple up?""This is going to be so uncomfortable,” says Duke, eying Jason’s bulk and Tim’s pointy elbows.“Well, you’re welcome to sleep on the rug and get chlamydia.”Seven Bats. One gross motel room bed.
Relationships: Batfamily - Relationship, Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake
Comments: 21
Kudos: 197
Collections: consider this your oscar





	Presidential Alert: The Bats Are Cuddling

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what this is, I wrote it instead of doing the Lit homework that was due...13 minutes ago. Please enjoy the fruits of my academic failure. And to my Lit teacher, if you're reading this, just know that I'm not happy about it either.

**Note**

For security reasons, I cannot tell you the name or exact location of the motel. With any luck, by the time I release this account, someone will have blown it off the face of the map. But if you truly want to experience it yourself, simply coat yourself in dust and then lie still, for several hours, on a mattress you’ve left in your backyard for two years. Do not wash the mattress off beforehand. For maximum disgust factor, invite a family of raccoons to nest inside it. 

**1:02 AM Pacific Standard Time**

The only room available in the motel is the honeymoon suite.

The honeymoon suite has one king-size bed. The floor is covered in mildewed carpet. The chandelier has two working bulbs, and is covered in spiderwebs. The air smells of cigarette smoke, mold, and cheap air freshener. Through the wall, suspicious moans can be heard.

“This place is fucking nasty,” Jason announces. He turns to Damian. “You’ll fit in perfectly, gremlin.”

“Die,” says Damian.

They move farther into the room, setting their bags down on the one ancient armchair. Duke opens the blinds, then closes it when he sees the view is directly into someone else's window. “Do motels usually have honeymoon suites?”

Dick shakes his head. “Hotels do. I guess they were trying to seem fancy?”

“They should try harder,” says Tim, glaring at his phone. “No wifi. It’s a total dead zone for cell towers, too. We’re off the grid.”

Duke stares at him, then turns pointedly to look at the landline.

“You know what I mean! And also,” Tim adds, as an afterthought, “I think this rug used to be the bottom of a pond.”

“At least we have a room,” says Dick optimistically. “We’re really fortunate to have somewhere to—” He sags. “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

Cass pats his back sympathetically. It would be more comforting if he hadn’t just seen her touch the rug with that hand, but he appreciates it nonetheless. 

**1:34 AM**

Damian goes to take a shower. The rest of them argue.

"I'm not sleeping on the rug," says Steph. "Somebody else has to."

“Not it,” says Dick. “I’m the oldest. I get the bed by default.”

“That’s definitely not how that works,” says Steph, “but go off.” 

Cass waves a hand. “Injured.”

“You have a jammed finger _,”_ protests Duke. “That doesn’t count!”

“Aggravate it?” Cass presses her other hand dramatically to her chest. “Never heal right? Lifelong pain? That’s what you want?”

“Oh, my god. Fine. But I’m not touching that rug. Jason?”

"Hell no," says Jason. "That shit's, like, diseased. Someone's probably died on it."

Duke frowns. "Haven't you killed, like, dozens of people?"

"Yes, I have. And if you all don't let me sleep in the bed, I'll do it again!"

From his seat atop the radiator, Dick sighs. "Can you maybe keep the talk about murder to a minimum? We have neighbors."

"Yes," says Tim, without looking up from his phone. "We know. We can hear them."

And indeed, the couple next door grows louder as soon as he speaks. Cass starts laughing. Duke buries his face in his hands.

Damian emerges from the bathroom in a towel, looking aggrieved. "The water smells foul," he informs them all. "There are several strange insects under the sink. And the toilet paper is one-ply." He looks around. "Have you decided who will be sharing the bed with me?"

Tim frowns. "We never said you were in the bed."

"Well, I am obviously entitled to it. As Robin, I—"

Jason rolls his eyes. "We've _all_ been Robin, idiot." Cass clears her throat. "Except Cass," he amends.

"Yes, but as Batman's son, I—"

"We're _all_ Batman's sons." Steph makes a horrified noise, and Duke raises an eyebrow. Jason throws his hands in the air. " _Most of us_ are Batman's sons."

A cough.

“Or daughter! Christ.”

"Okay," says Dick, trying not to laugh, "So clearly no one is willing to sleep on the floor. We'll just double up, then. Or…” He does a quick headcount. “Septuple up?"

Steph grabs Tim's hand and holds it up like a trophy. "Dibs on using Tim as a pillow." He grins and kisses their joined hands. Jason makes a gagging sound. Tim flips him off.

"This is going to be so uncomfortable,” says Duke, eying Jason’s bulk and Tim’s pointy elbows.

“Well, you’re welcome to sleep on the rug and get chlamydia.”

“...Dibs on Cass.”

**2:03 AM**

Steph raises her hand as they’re brushing their teeth. "Can I make a rule that everyone has to sleep with their shirts on? 'Cause if I wake up with a hairy boy armpit in my face, I'm burning this whole motel down."

"No one near you even has hairy armpits," Jason points out. "You and Cass both shave, and Tim's a hairless freak. And Damian hasn't even gone through puberty yet."

"It's _natural!"_ Tim defends, at the same time that Damian cries, "I have too!"

"Really?" Jason goads. "Prove it."

"Please don't," says Cass. Damian scowls. 

Steph continues. "And speaking of puberty–”

"I don't really want to know where this is headed."

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Grayson. I was just gonna say that if any one of you menfolk—" she sweeps a hand around the room— "gets a boner in the middle of the night, you're being banished to the bathtub."

Duke nods. “That’s fair.”

“No, it’s not!” Damian protests. “It’s a natural biological function, you can’t just—”

“Banished,” Steph repeats, pointing at him. “Banished. To. The bathtub.” She thinks for a second. “Except for Tim. He can stay.”

“Thanks, babe.”

**2:21 AM**

"Oh, no. No, no, no. I cannot be next to Damian.”

“It’s brotherly bonding, Tim. Relax.”

"Dick, he'll kill me in my sleep!"

"Then perish," says Cass in a deep voice. Steph reaches to high-five her and hits Duke in the face instead.

"Sorry, Tim," says Dick, not sounding even a little bit sorry. "We’ll avenge you in the morning."

Tim groans and buries his face in a pillow. The pillow is dusty. Cass pounds him on the back as he coughs.

Duke turns to Jason. “Do you kick in your sleep?”

“Nah. I sleep like the dead.” 

Steph snickers. Dick sighs. “The death jokes are getting really old, Jay.”

“Then why did blondie laugh, huh? Check and mate.”

“Because she has the emotional maturity of a two-year-old,” says Damian. Steph squawks and kicks him. At least, what she thinks is him. It’s actually Tim.

“Ow!”

“Sorry!” 

**3:00 AM**

“Duke,” says Jason, deadly quiet, “why do you have an alarm set for three in the morning?”

“It’s the end of patrol on school nights.”

“Let me rephrase. Why is it still _on?”_

“Because...I forgot to turn it off? Sorry.”

“I’ll kill you. I swear to god I’ll kill you.”

“I’ll kill you both if you don’t let me sleep,” says Dick, his face still smushed into Jason’s bicep.

“As if you could kill me! Many have tried, all have failed.”

“Joker didn’t fail,” Duke points out.

“That doesn’t count. I came back.”

“No, it definitely does. You still died.”

“Not, like, metaphysically though.”

“The hell does that mean?”

“ _Please_ shut up,” Dick begs. 

“Make me,” says Jason.

Cass, who until now they all thought was asleep, carefully extracts her arm from Steph’s grasp. She reaches over Duke and punches Jason in the stomach, then rolls over and closes her eyes again. Jason wheezes quietly. Dick snickers and goes back to sleep.

Duke stares at the stains on the ceiling. “I think this is going well,” he says to nobody. 

Cass punches him, too.

**3:52 AM**

The problem with having seven people in one bed is that, inevitably, one of them will fall off. More often than not it will be one of the people on the end, and if one of them happens to be much smaller than the other, then that’s the one who will fall, and it just so happens that in this particular instance that someone was Damian.

And because Damian is Damian (aka vengeful and rabid), he responds to this injustice by getting back into bed and lying directly on top of Tim.

“This can’t be comfortable for you,” says Tim into Damian’s chest. 

Damian gives a loud, fake snore. 

Tim rolls his eyes. He can’t really move, with the way Steph has wrapped herself around him like one of Poison Ivy’s vines. One of her legs is centimeters away from a very vulnerable area. Her hair is in his mouth, and she’s drooling on his neck.

He loves her so much. 

Damian’s snores trail off into steady breathing. It must be part of Assassin Training 101— _How to Fall Asleep Anywhere, Including on Your Innocent Brother._

Tim sighs and closes his eyes again. It’s not the most uncomfortable he’s ever been. He won’t risk waking Steph. And, honestly? There are worse people that could be sleeping on top of him than Damian.

**4:19 AM**

Duke smacks Jason awake, wincing. "You said you don't kick, you liar!"

Jason yawns. "Oh, that was just for the death joke. I kick like a racehorse.” 

“I’m going to put a ‘kick me’ sign on the back of your helmet,” hisses Duke, but Jason’s already asleep again.

**7:00 AM**

At home, Cass’s alarm goes off at seven in the morning. She turned it off tonight (unlike certain brothers, who will remain unnamed) so she wouldn’t disturb the others, but after so long on a schedule, her body is acclimated. She wakes up on time.

When she sits up, Duke’s arms wrap tighter around her waist and she has to pry them free. He’s slid further under the blankets over the course of the night and only his head pokes out. She scratches his scalp and smiles as he burrows deeper.

On her right, Damian and Tim have switched spots somehow, with Tim on the end and Damian serving as Steph’s personal teddy bear. Damian’s wrapped his arms around Tim’s. It’s going to be very loud when they wake up, and very funny, with a lot of denial.

To the left lies Duke, buried in the blankets, and beyond him, Jason. As Duke went down, Jason went up, and now half his body is on the pillows. The other half of him is on Dick, who’s unconsciously holding onto Duke’s arm for dear life to keep from falling off the bed.

“Cass?” Steph whispers, turning her face away from Damian’s hair. “Whazz’wron?” She’s slurring, not awake. It’s a sign of bad training, to not be alert as soon as you wake up, but Cass doesn’t mind.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she says. “Go back to sleep.”

Steph frees an arm from underneath Damian and flaps it in Cass’s direction. “You too.”

Cass looks down at her siblings, curled together. Several of them are drooling. None of them ended up banished to the bathtub. Their faces are relaxed.

All their bodies say _warm,_ and _safe._ They say _home._

“C’mon,” mumbles Steph, her face back in Damian’s hair. “Sleep.”

Cass is warm and safe and home, too.

She lays back down and closes her eyes again.

**Author's Note:**

> Disgusting motel rooms you have to share with too many people are a hallmark of the roadtrip experience and, dare I say it, a cornerstone of the American Dream.
> 
> Go ahead and SMASH that mf comment button to boost my self esteem and, metaphysically, my Lit grade.  
> Find me on tumblr @buteojamaicensis.


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